Overwhelmed by Gun Violence

I remember shooting a .22 rifle as a kid sometime age 10-14, probably at Camp Minikani or Manito-wish. Also once I fired a shotgun at skeet, but I'm pretty sure I missed every clay pigeon...the details are a bit fuzzy.

For the first time shooting as an adult at the Strip Gun Club yesterday, I was excited to try some crazy sniper rifle machine gun action. Alexandra jumped in and banged out a few Glock rounds like a pro.

I didn't need to shoot. Having felt once is more than enough in my life for skydiving and ayahuasca, I told Alexandra the night before that she could just do it herself. I'd be happy to watch. Like cocaine and heroine, guns are just one of those things I don't care to add to my list of unnecessary activities.

But we decided it would be more fun to participate together. So I purchased the "Build Your Own" upgraded Desert Eagle and S&W Magnum Revolver. Why not!?

Upon arrival, reception said we would punch ourselves in the face due to recoil if we used these guns without prior firing experience. I kinda laughed her off, especially after the range master walked behind us and said "you'll be fine" upon overhearing one of my many questions.

So I tried the revolver, which was so huge and heavy that I could barely lift it with one arm. The thing fired so explosively I was shocked and had a little panic attack. I told the instructor I was done after one shot, and he agreed. The receptionist was correct, just minus the physical face-punching. But what happened next was worse...

In her book Quiet, Susan Cain describes an experiment where a balloon is popped behind a baby. Those who do not react become extroverts later in life. The babies who freak out tend to become introverts whose reactive nervous systems are easily overloaded. Notably, social skills are not the key differentiator.

I'm squarely an introvert, leaning autistic enough for my noise sensitivity to be very pronounced. But I didn't know this until now...

In the gun range, I involuntarily reacted to the point of tears and had to step outside. Somehow I started thinking in flashes of how my dad killed my mom, and violence in general, immediately after shooting the giant revolver.

All the bad things in the corners of my brain came out, and negativity clouded my vision. I left my remaining rounds and upgraded bigger weapons as extra credit for Alex to enjoy.

Crying on the gross sidewalk in front of the range, completely ashamed and emasculated, I finally was able to calm down a bit and examine what was going on. I was super physically uncomfortable, with fight or flight fear surging, and negative agitated chemicals pulsating within me uncontrollably.

Why would humans invent this weapon? Why does anyone like these disgusting explosive forces? They are so ugly, distasteful, and needlessly violent.

This kind of spiraling rarely happens to me, but at some point in life, we all get overwhelmed by various circumstances. I had very little sleep the night before. And I wanted Alex to try the gun thing she mentioned would be fun, even if I knew I wouldn't be as excited myself.

At this point, alone on the sidewalk in tears, I would have paid money to downgrade and be rid of the experience as a whole. To delete it, to reverse it, and especially to get rid of the sensations in my body. But alas, I could not...

I had to sit and breathe through it.

With my new and profound appreciation for the use of deadly force and our 2nd Amendment, I will be much less glib going forward on gun control topics.

But after having a viscerally uncontrollable and all-too-human reaction, I also see more clearly than ever how altered states of mind can lead people to do dumb things. The instructor was very gentle and cautious and serious when he noticed my panic. He asked me to leave the weapon and step back.

Guns are a technology, a tool like a wood chipper. The same is true of language, money, and social media. Extreme caution and intentionality must be exercised when interacting with powerful tools.

But they are very useful and potentially necessary in certain cases. Hopefully going forward I'll leave the monopoly on violence to a competent state and never need to touch a firearm again.

Just to remind myself for next time: get a good sleep the night before doing something life-changing.