psych

in case you didn't know, i've been on a sort of "jesus for capitalism" quest.

you can follow the whole thing starting on my previous blog (especially the 10 posts after july 11 2025, my Shuffle-versary). or if you dig hard enough on Linkedin and X. very rarely do i believe in deleting things i throw online.

yet the quest somehow has to end. it must transform to become more legible and publicly useful, at least... i hope today is that milestone.

thanks to my best friends picking me up last night and suffering through a 3 hour car ride, i've finally cracked. our heart-to-heart convinced me that i should start doing a different form of mental health.

now. ASAP. top pri. stat

part of the problem is i don't like the mental health terms. "brain malfunction" seems more my speed. i've never thought my brain could possibly malfunction before, and i'm hoping writing this down here will reinforce the neural pathways for this concept.

i also need to share this little note directly with a few people, along with an apology, in response to many missed emails and text messages. i'm sorry yall.

in last night's car conversation, my friends helped show me a lot. maybe most relevant is how i have a combination of traits that are both historically true and particularly deadly for a certain kind of self-reflection:

• not liking chemicals, food dyes, any kind of "unnatural" substances (OCD).
• high intelligence, high skepticism, high curiosity & rate of learning. (IQ)
• supreme self-confidence and high baseline "chipper" attitude. (EQ?)

my brain has been the only thing i can consistency rely on in 30+ years of life. i never want to mess with it. it's a fantastic pattern engine.

but just maybe, now i see, it might be too good in a particular way. i didn't before think it was possible for a brain to be "too good" and wouldn't react well to those terms. be more yourself, that's what capitalism jesus says.

but i know i'm getting more and more hypersensitive to the world around me. to all inputs. to incompetence. to people i deem "defective" or operating under some set of beliefs i've thought through, tested, and discarded for myself already.

my grandpa's impatience is showing. i used to be a good teacher. i was kind. maybe i still am.

but when i said i would focus on getting a psychiatrist and trying bipolar meds for a bit, what genuinely surprised my friends most was not that we were driving 3 hours from a psych ward together... it was my open-mindedness.

i don't want anyone to be surprised by my open-mindedness. ever.

that means i was being close-minded!! poop.

after i clean the rotting food off my countertops, i'm going to focus on personal health for a while. i moved to GVL SC USA EARTH not intending to have the dislocation trigger new crazy plans and misadventures...

but disentangling this all may be hard and take some time. there's good ideas baked in with the bad behaviors preventing my personal compounding.

getting excited about life and going under 6 hours of continuous sleep blocks for 4-5 days in a row (then drinking caffeine) appears to be one of the processes which can send me off the rails.

being off the rails is a problem (not necessarily the insights or work that happens in those wild days). nevertheless, i do generate a lot of noise online. many have pointed out to me—but i was unable to see or admit to—how miscalibrated i can behave. i keep pushing back and saying "you'll see in a few decades"

i'm sorry everyone.

😭

🥺

i would never hurt myself because i have a fun awesome life. i would never hurt others because i have lived the hurt for 20+ years and decided as a very hard young 10 year old that it's morally wrong to inflict violence or any kind of intentional hurt upon others.

this new journey may result in everything i have said and done in the last year, including my $180k+ money giveaway, being chalked up to "manic episodes"

or maybe i'll be totally sane and the psychiatric system evaluates to "now this medication process was a waste of time and Andy should have just kept doing what he was doing"

we will find out soon.

focusing on centering and stability and rest is warranted for the foreseeable future. i'm grateful to be surrounded by loving friends and family. thanks to all acquaintances and past homies as well.

i guess only a small set of people can truly hold me accountable. Wendy and Lucas have been my two main focal points that create my vector for change today. thank you both, for being my sister and brother. i love you guys.

until last night, i was so resistant to the idea that these people could be deeply correct about my actions being inadequate. i contended very strongly that rather than calling police or taking me to emergency rooms where i am dragged across the floor, chained, and sedated...

i must have grown up in a culture and household which didn't calibrate well on what healthy accountability looks like.

from zero to 18, the adults did in fact fail. i passed through 4 households, none of whom are in my life today. is this my fault? is it theirs?

it's a tale as old as time, the next generation coming up and correcting the errors of our parents.

if the internet is zero-cost information and Computer Future means zero-cost productivity, it's more and more apparent that the moral arc of the universe bends towards zero violence. Ayn Rand points to the infinite endpoint, if only we are willing to follow peacefully and in good-vibe discourse...

nobody should sit on anybody. there should be no slapping, of hands nor words.

just gratitude & curiosity tattoos, loving kindness, forgiveness, warm welcomes, peaceful sharing, honest dialogue

...perhaps others' unyielding truths meeting mine, in action...

across dinner parties, hockey games, olympics watch parties in the basement on the cozy couch, and weird phone calls, fun little busy beaver chess games

we can laugh about it all and move on

life happens shit happens

im not going to stay fixated

i move on, i fix

will surely post much more later. our institutions are broken af. but for now this is more than enough. this is what's important.

as i cut the wristband and scrub my moldy food plates that have been out since the last weekend

7 days is a long time indeed