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# Starting Over At Age 30
- URL: https://andys.blog/starting-over/
- Published: 2026-10-22T08:59:00.000Z
- Updated: 2026-10-22T08:58:59.000Z
- Author: Andy Trattner

I have had a lot of adventures in my life, but getting [stuck in Sin City](https://andys.blog/sin-city/) was certainly one of the worst. Since I was 9 years old, I have not felt so vulnerable and dependent on mysterious forces to bring me back into a sane world. I even prayed to God a few times.

Thanks mostly to Alexandra and in small part Wendy, I managed to make it back to San Francisco where I spent the last week sleeping from 8pm until 2pm unable to move very much due to the overprescription of Zyprexa and Depakote, which I have been taking zealously.

We have access to around $50k, with another $150k in my Roth IRA that I hope never to touch. My number one priority in the next couple months is to get (and keep) a job.

I am not sure what to do about everything else. The most painful thing is the relationships I feel I've lost completely. They, more than anything else, are what make me feel like I'm walking in cold to this job market. I guess I tend to make new friends fast and should probably work in sales. That much, I've probably kept, inherited from Old Andy.

I believe the set of thoughts and actions from July 2025 – October 2026 that resulted in far too many involuntary hospitalizations and a near-death car accident is best described as "AI psychosis" or something similar. I was too lucid and in control during my manic episodes for common Bipolar Disorder to capture the full illness.

Whatever we call it, for the first time, I sincerely hope it's over. I told hospital staff in Vegas I'd change my name from Andy to Andrew in order to live more maturely, but in hindsight that's probably not very useful. Still, the gravity of my current situation weighs on me in a way it didn't before the Vegas trip. I cannot afford any more screw ups. I'd be gambling with fate against the odds.

Last week, I found myself seriously contemplating suicide for the first time since I was 10-12, after my dad killed my mom and I was stuck in my aunt and uncle's awful household. Because of this intense childhood period, I used to pride myself on being impervious—deep down—to negative emotions. I thought I had climbed out of that pit once and for all.

I was wrong.

Sanity is a razor's edge we each walk every day. I have found religion as an adult. For me it's not christianity and it's not well defined yet either. Writing is a starting point, something I can miraculously do.

I'm trying to see the positives. To get back to a state of open-minded humility, some shred of confidence. I've never had regrets before. If only...

> ...  
> *If you can make one heap of all your winnings* 
> *And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,* 
> *And lose, and start again at your beginnings* 
> *And never breathe a word about your loss*  
> ...