You Look Like Shit > How Are You?
The phrase "how are you?" bothers me when its wielder does not truly intend to discuss the other person's wellbeing. In my experience, more than 50% of conversations begun with this question start squarely in such territory. Of course, I'm guilty of mindless verbal spewage myself. But I try to beat a coin flip.
"Don't worry" might be considered an opposite but equally flimsy phrase. This one shuts down discussion rather than ostensibly opening it. A genuine response to "how are you?" might be "does it really matter?" In the same vein, lazily throwing out "don't worry" invites the immediate reply "why not?"
Instead of telling someone your wishes as to how their feelings manifest, let's consider the options:
- Be less lazy. Preempt the obvious question and address the underlying why directly. "I'm taking care of it next Thursday."
- Express empathetic curiosity. Flip the conversation to orient around your counterpart. "I'm hearing an elevated tone of voice. Can you help me to better understand the core of your concern?"
- Lean into trust. "Please trust me and do not worry. Do you trust me?" Now we see why one rarely wants to take the existential approach implicit in "don't worry", as it calls the underlying relationship into question.
After discussing zScore with a friend, he told me "you look like shit." It was so frank and astonishing, I couldn't help but smile. As I smiled, I noticed it was superficial. Indeed, I was not feeling energetic, perhaps due to lingering malaise or the post-lunch hour.
He was piercingly insightful and wanted to dig in further. "I'm sensing some conflict inside you, care to share?" My responses didn't satisfy either of us in that moment. We sat in discomfort and the conversation stalled.
Not once did it cross my mind to try eliminating his worries. We cycled through the first and second approaches above. As we signed off, I told my friend how truly grateful I was for his questions. They resonated, and I'm thinking on it further.
The whole point of conversation is to engage with someone. To be present, to learn and dance in realtime. It might be messy. There may be tension. The vibes could be off...
So be it.
I much prefer "you look like shit" over "how are you".